A Matter of Trust

I have a situation.

It's such a weird thing in my head that I can't seem to work out. And it pertains to one of my "friends," Marcus. I say it this way cause I really don't understand/know where I stand. Not about where he stands, but myself.

I am trying to do a Readers Digest version of this story so you'll have to just bear with me.

We were friend-ish in Seattle and became better friends while I was in London. When I came home, we talked more regularly. Don't assume this will have some romantic interlude because it won't. He was completely obsessed with another friend serving a mission. But he became someone very important to me. He was my go to when things went to hell last summer. He was the person I called.

Once the missionary came home.. it all went wonky. He had been in love... Obsessed with her, really. Emailing her weekly and paying great attention to every line and pause in her responses. But now that she was home, he wasn't getting the attention he felt he needed/deserved.

I tried to remind him that she just got home and was genuinely focused on her mission. She needed time. Just because he wanted to marry her the instant she returned doesn't mean she was in the same mindset.

And then the dreaded homecoming. He asked me to come to be his wing man. While I was friends with her, I went more for him. I hadn't seen him since I had left Seattle and I was so excited. His texts were weird and crazy re: Em, but I disregarded and drove to Vegas. I picked him up and of course it wasn't at all the reunion I expected. He was awkward and cold and I didn't know what to do with this person. We left for the homecoming and he was saying that he didn't really care if we were late because he was upset by the lack of attention he was getting from her.

Ok, but I didn't drive here for nothing and I want to see her. 

We went to her house afterwards and he was rude to her. He wouldn't engage and would exit when she would try to make the time to see and talk to him. She had rounds to make, it was understandable. I was floored by his deplorable behavior and her friends and family were not impressed. And I can think of at least 4 times that he mocked in some way something that was at the very core to who I am. I'm still flabbergasted by this.

We stayed as long as I wanted, which was a while. I hoped he would suck it up and deal. Stop being such a jerk. He didn't. And then he lamented his behavior to her on the way back and cried.

At this point I felt like I was dealing with a stranger. Who was this man that I have talked to for hour, that was my person when distressed. I stopped hearing from him. When I would try to reach out, he would say something stupid and chauvinistic about how he waited for her and how she owed it to him to date him. It wasn't her fault he put his whole damn life on hold. He literally put his life on hold. He didn't want to do anything until she returned. He worked and came home and slept.

And in standard Amanda behavior, I would bait him sometimes, because I knew he would say something idiotic. But he had no understanding of his folly and why it was wrong. Emily was unimpressed. I thought it was over.

Until I got a message when I got to London in October.

"Don't be mad, but Marcus and I have been talking and I'm on my way to SF to see him."

Hello, whiplash. 
This was also in the midst of me trying to get out of other peoples business so to be given this information was thoroughly annoying timing.

Time passes. I get the story later.
Blah blah blah

They're suddenly engaged as of end of December and getting married in May.

I have not been there for the conversations and the dates and the reconciliation of these people. I have to trust that they know what they're doing.

But I can't hide my annoyance about this. I keep trying to chalk up his behavior to a bad time and that a few good conversations clearly worked things out.. But I don't trust him. I think his reactions to her returning from her mission and not giving him the proper time was juvenile at best and his obsession of her for years makes me ill. I saw his behavior as showing who he really was and how he would react when things were bad. His facebook is flooded with happy pictures of them pair and too many hashtags for any one man to understand.

I swear if I see one more #blessed, I will vomit.
I am attempting not to make a face when he is brought up.
I am attempting to be supportive and ask about wedding plans.

So what's this have to do with me? I've thought about it and in the midst of him going crazy, I lost my friend. Someone that had been near and dear to me. All for the sake of him not getting his way. I started hearing from him once he was dating her. I was angry and told him so. A few days later I explained that he bailed on me when things didn't work with Em. I was hurt by this.
He said he understood, but he associated me with Em, so he couldn't talk to me. I understood on some level, but was still annoyed.

After this conversation, I think he thinks things are right between us. They aren't. I don't trust him. I see his facebook and #blessed and smiling face as a facade. Everything now seems fake in comparison to what I have known before.

I am supposed to see him this week. I don't know that I can even fake putting up with him.

So here is the thing.
Why am I still hurt/annoyed? This plagues me more than it should. I don't like this feeling.

I find this fascinating because I have some solid guy friends. We have our ups and downs but my regard for them remains unchanged even through my frustration or the stupid and obnoxious stuff they do. (And ohmergersh they've done some crazy weird stuff...)

I think it comes down to the fact that I just don't trust him. I'm wary.

Even that doesn't explain it fully. Hmm. I thought my writing it out maybe it would help.

Still a mystery.