Some thoughts for Father's Day

I have standard things I do on Father's Day.

It usually involves Dad music/food/tv/movie. There are moments to reflect on my dear old dad and what he means to me. What he's done for me.

Father's Day used to devastate me. I would avoid people on that day. I didn't want to hear their stories about their dads. I didn't want to have to think about the years I lost and think about what could have been. That's where my brain went. Time and maturity work wonders. Especially to realize how many people have stories like mine, worse than mine, struggles of their own. I am not alone and I think it was selfish to think I was. I still do my dad things, but I can communicate with the outside world without becoming a mess. Mind.. It's also been... 17 years?

But today I went to my friends ward. The bishop stood up and encouraged us to get in touch with our fathers (standard, got it) and also our Heavenly Fathers. What an idea. To honour our Heavenly Father as well. I had thought of this years ago but I am glad to be reminded. Let's take the time to honour Him. Not with breakfast or cards, as often done with our earthly fathers... I turned again to reflect on these 3 days a year that I set aside not necessarily as "dark days" but to justify that dr. pepper and Sledge Hammer marathon. I set aside these days to dedicate to the things my dad loved. In a similar respect Sundays are our Heavenly "Dad" days. On such days I can do things that He loves. It can be similar, I think. It doesn't have to be a full out binge, especially since it's every week, BUT honouring the day. Honouring the Father. Consider what He has blessed me with and do the things He would do.

That is something I can get my head around.

spiral into madness

There is a fine line between my own madness and my own realm on sanity.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself. So I'm in a black abyss of the unknown right now. I don't have a job or any potential one. I don't regret the one I just quit because that was wrecking me. Adding in the student loans that loom over me monthly and car payment. But let's add a little bit more to this level of chaos...

My periods are lasting 2 weeks. In the midst of getting that worked out I find out I have non cancerous tumors on my uterus. "fibroids" Sounds like fun. Then I find out that the surgery that the doctor said I didn't have to have right away.. I should probably have right away... because the two week menstruation is going to continue until they're gone.
Oh and that is probably going to cost at least 12 grand. And that's an optimistic sum. Did I mention my lack of health insurance? Did I mention the potential recovery time is probably at least a month? So why in the world would I want to start a new job and then potentially have surgery. Either that or two week periods. Gosh that sounds amazing. Really a win win for both situations.

Next option. Go to the UK and have the surgery. Recover there. It would probably cost about the same. Right? I'll just pretend to distract me from this.

So I'm sad and hormonal and perturbed and already have hurt feelings over trivial things. And I come home and Christine's boyfriend is here. Fantastic. I'm annoyed. He doesn't acknowledge my presence. My annoyance deepens. This is what always happens. So I choose to disregard them both.

I really can be wretched. I also thought I couldn't be mean to people I actually disliked. I can. It's weird.

My rational side that declares: Amanda, you're being dumb.
My weepy side wishes the damn fool wasn't there so I could talk to my friend.

Alas. Due to previous behavior, she'll probably avoid me and wait till I get over my childishness.

Gosh I wish he'd go away.