(Seattle) you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me

Did I play my I never game with Seattle? I was so sure I said goodbye to you. 

Last year I went back to Seattle 4 times. That's a lot, really. But I remember going around on the public transit and being up at Kerry Park and having a distinct feeling that this chapter was done. Seattle was done for me. And I was comforted by this because I had had a firm confirmation that I should go to Utah. (in Oct 2015) I ran with it. Nothing has gone according to plan. Although I am grateful to have had almost a constant flow of work and always had a roof over my head.

One of my friends, Tom actually, as a joke mentioned that he had a spare room in Seattle and that I could just live with him. I don't know what happened but since then, my obsession with going back to Seattle has GROWN exponentially- exploded. Obviously not about living with Tom -that's weird- but I guess I am more annoyed with Utah and it's winter and snow and there is something about Seattle that keeps calling me home. I miss the sea and tempered climates. I already have 2 trips planned for this year to go to Seattle and refraining from making more. 

I talked to Krista last night and I told her about this draw I now have to return to Seattle. She said it reminded her of a friend that was now in Seattle because she felt she had to be there, and it ended up being a really good thing, but she desperately wants to return "home" (DC). Krista thinks her time is coming to an end and she'll return this year. I feel like I can relate. The problem is, is that I wont go back until I have some prospect of a proper job. Seattle is expensive and I won't do a warehouse kind of thing again. Krista kind of emphasized that maybe this isn't wrong. Maybe it was wrong then and right now. Or nearly now. 

Here is the thing. 

Would I be going for the right reasons? 

If I go back does it mean going backwards? 

Will I get stuck reverting back to my old friends and rely on them and be the Amanda that was rather than the Amanda I am. 

Who is that, anyway?

January is the worst-

I was about the make some disparaging comment about how terrible January is. The weather, the snow, the lack of job prospects. I had a rough time last night and kind of spiraled.

But then I deleted the lot.

Because I realized that these random setbacks are cake in comparison to other things. Real things that people have to deal with-now. I woke up this morning to news that refugees coming to my country are now completely unwelcome, due to our new president signing off on new orders.

When I was in NY this last October, I went by the Statue of Liberty. I didn't go to it cause I'm a cheap skate but it was cool enough to take the ferry around and see it in the distance. How amazing and wonderful it must have been to those who had traveled for weeks to see this beacon of hope and welcome. She doesn't face us, she faces those who are coming to her, seeking refuge. "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, the tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" Finally, after all of this, finally- we have found respite from the storm.

until now.

I've become obsessed with the musical Hamilton, anyone who speaks to me might know of this obsession. To be perfectly frank and honest, I think the Lord works in mysterious ways. I think that throughout time people across the world, religious or not have been inspired by sparks of inspiration from God. I think this is the case with Hamilton. Weird? Yea. We needed to be reminded of our history, of those who began this nation. None of which were perfect and upstanding men, but they were the men we needed. And through Lin's musical, we are reminded that we're all immigrants at some point. That even orphan immigrants can make a difference- that it was the immigrants that also led the charge against the British. Young kids to old kids know these songs. Know these men and stories. They are learning the nuances of the beginnings of our nation and that was just a spark to know more. We needed Hamilton- now. We needed Lin-now. It wouldnt have been quite so poignant 10-20 years ago.

So here is the deal. I won't stand idly by while my refugee brothers and sisters are condemned. I don't know what I can do, but I will figure it out and do my damnedest to support them.

I am less concerned about bringing in a potential terrorist than turning away thousands of people who are in despair.

I am a paranoid crazy

As a joke I will sometimes say that my new house is my worst nightmare. Also keep in mind that my house is 3 levels and my roommates are at the top level, far away to hear my screams.

This should just emphasize that I am CRAZY! But here's the stitch. In the basement there are two windows; my bedroom and then the main room. But between those two windows there are 8 doors. (Between closets and storage, etc). All of which could be hiding someone hell-bent on killing me.

Why?

I have no idea. That's just where my mind goes.

And then there is the fact that I find myself, again, avoiding windows. This is something I sometimes did at my moms house in SV. I knew the exact points where I could not be seen.

I peeked out of my house today to check if we had received a package and I came in, closed the door, and then felt the overwhelming urge to hide from windows.. Because I didn't want to be seen. Didn't want someone "out there" to know I was "in here."

And because my back is facing the stairs while I work, I kept the knife I had to cut my fruit, just for safety. (That may have been because of the show I was watching. I need to stay away from crime dramas.)

And all while writing this my brain is telling me that I've given away too much information about myself and that someone will find me and use my paranoia against me.

I need to be medicated.

I am a feminist

I added this picture to my FB profile yesterday. The fact that it coincided with the day of the Women's March on Washington did not escape me. I've been very wary of my postings during the election and after because of the onslaught that WILL ensue. So I decided- if ANYONE posted on it, their comments would be deleted. I didn't want to encourage a debate between people on my wall. 

Well, my brothers commented. And I deleted, as I had promised myself.

I ended up getting into an argument with one brother today that has not left me unscathed. This is why I stay out of politics. I don't like the subject. It just causes issues. (Considering the fact that I ALWAYS stay out of politics should really show how truly angry I am about it right now...) 

He told me that birth control isn't a right... (maybe it's not but it's a need. You can't get pissed at women having abortions if they can't afford tools to prevent it.) that women aren't paid less than men (nothing to back up said claims) and then listed other supposed supporting evidence from past presidents that I didn't mention or care about. Am I supposed to take you on word alone? What kind of person would I be if I didn't dispute these arguments? Oh. And that he thought it was "really cute" that I thought that the march wasn't about Hillary not winning. Really. Cute. 

It's been a while since I have felt so demeaned, so small and like I was ten years old.

Yep. Millions of women around the world, not just the US, are upset about the United States Presidential elections and their "pantsuit" not winning? 

I'm sorry, what? That's absurd and so self-aggrandizing. 

But here is the thing- women ARE being repressed- world wide. (*see film "He Named Me Malala. So good, devastating and eye opening...) Whatever peoples reasoning for marching yesterday, in my RESEARCH it was for equality and human rights. (Because guess what, I did do research.) And of course there is an underlying of Trump but not only that but what he stands for and what he propagates. 

It was also pointed out to me that Madonna suggested bombing the White House and I was asked if I wanted to bomb the White House. Cause Madonna said it! On that Women's March. If I support the march that means I must want to do that.. 

It's friggin Madonna. Seriously? You're going to take one woman of the millions that came. oy vey. 

But I actually posted that original picture because I am a feminist. 

I read a book once by Caitlyn Moran: How to be a Woman, and these were her rules of feminism: 

This is not a bra burning, man-hating sentiment. (Cause let's be honest, bra's are expensive.... and nobody's got time for that nonsense, and I like men. I like having them around. They create balance in my world.) I would also like to point out that when I say I want equality it doesn't mean I want the men torn down. When I was writing my dissertation on the contrast between more classic fairytales to the dystopian Lunar Chronicles series, it started out me being super pumped about having solid kick-A heroines.. Until I realized that in 2/3 of the stories, it was more of a role SWAP. The prince was homebound waiting to be saved and Wolf was a timid pup. (Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood, obv..) This was not what I wanted. I don't want women to be superior, I want us to use our mutual talents to get ahead. That's actually something I appreciate about church. I don't think the men are superior to me because they have the priesthood. I think this is where the balance lies. There is a quote from Linda K Burton: "Thee lift me, and I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together." This I think was in reference to marriage, but why can't it be across the board? 

There is a balance. Equality does not equal that everything has to be the SAME. When I was working at the warehouse in Seattle, my main supervisor was a lady but I worked with a BUNCH of dudes. I wanted to be able to do it all and not ask for help. I felt that it was a duty to the feminist in me. I was right there with the shipments arrivals with them unloading the truck. I did what they did, except that damn forklift. And I thought I was fine... Until I dropped a 50 pound box on my head and realized that it was better to just ask for help and admit that there were somethings that they were better able to do..
I had my tasks and they had theirs, we made a good team and got work done.

And here is the thing that I also realized about that experience. I told Charlie about dropping that box on my head and he laughed, of course, but also demanded why I didn't ask for help. From that point on I did, and when I did he came without question and didn't even tease me. And here's the stitch, when I asked him for help, I could see it on his face that he appreciated being needed.

I want girls to have solid heroines to look up to. To know they can do great things. From Maths & Sciences to the Arts and Sports. I had a science teacher in middle school tell my class that girls just weren't good at science and math. Not that I necessarily liked this teacher or his teaching methods, that seemed to ring true because it didn't come to me so easily. So I let it be true. As I continued with my education I continued with the mentality that it would be weird to be a girl that was good at math. To like these things. My friend Megan (went on to be an Engineer) proved me wrong, but it was too late at this point. I also watched "Hidden Figures" recently, and holy smokes! I was in complete awe of these women. It was inspiring. 

Favorite Fictional Female Heroines: (that i can think of off the top of my head...) 

Code Name Verity: Elizabeth Wein (I don't remember their names currently, or if the narrator ever names herself but this was one of those moments that she came, she proved herself as a pilot and earned her place on the team... and I realized that the men wasn't demeaned through the course of it.) 

Flavia DeLuce: Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie Alan Bradley (She's a chemist, loves poisons and solving mysteries...)

Thursday Next: Jasper Fforde (Thursday is one of my top fav. characters!) 

Hermione Granger: (How absolutely brilliant to have this girl who is intelligent, stands her ground and teams up to defeat the worlds greatest villain... At the cost erasing herself from her parents lives. What?? She's a rockstar.) 

Molly Weasley: I was asked recently asked who my favorite HP character was and Molly is just at the top of the list. She is uber mom and when war comes, she is at the forefront defending her family. (going head to head with Bellatrix.) 

Agent Carter: I am sad this series is over. I loved this woman in this time- sadly having to prove herself again and again that she was worth keeping. As frustrating as that was, she never faltered. 

No one reads my blog.. so i dont care anymore