Couple things on my mind at the moment.
The brain is a fascinating thing. I am, as I will tell anyone, a paranoid crazy person. When Bekki came to visit we removed my bedroom door because it was annoying and getting in the way. I figured it would be fine because I have the whole downstairs and a curtain separating me from the rest of the house.
This is not the case. I am not okay. There is something nice of that protective door to keep me secure in my space. Also because when I go to bed at night I can hear the guy in the apartment on the other side of my wall playing video games into the night and talking to his "team." I sometimes knock on the wall when he gets especially loud or it gets especially late.
And then the silence, blackness and the fact that these people on the other side of the wall have the code to my house (they use our laundry facilities) FREAKS ME OUT! I am gripped by fear at the possibility of this guy getting pissed and coming over. I would have no barrier to stop him. My door is gone and I feel suddenly vulnerable in my space.
I have this dumb new thing that I do that I know is a load of crap. I have a tv that came with the room plastered to my wall and a red light beaming from it into the darkness. I have told myself in many occasions that as long as the light is on, I am safe. Nothing can get me.
I know this is false, but for some reason the ridiculousness of it kind of tweaks my brain into not feeling so freaked out.
** old post from last place in provo.
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