coffee and other taboo things.

I went through this weird phase a couple months ago.

I really wanted coffee. 

I've always liked the smell of it but really didn't feel any inclination to drink it because: 

1. My religion 

2. Cost (I am so so cheap) 

3. I've been told that the only way to make it palatable is to add a bunch of stuff to it and that seems utterly absurd. 

4. I can't handle lots of caffeine. 

So for my crazy brain to be so focused on it was very strange. At some point when I was so obsessive on it I opted for a... if I am still thinking about it this obsessively in one week, I will get it. 

Two weeks went by and I was still thinking about it. A month or two after my hyper focus I decided to just go and get some. I went to a Juice 'n Java near my house and got something I honestly can't remember. I do remember almost getting a straight up black coffee- it was to be a go big or go home moment. If this is what I wanted- then I might as well get it at its purest form- but I wimped out. 

My brother made a comment to me once in a conversation of why we don't drink coffee. It could be, he said, that there is something in coffee or black tea that we do not know the ramifications from right now. God is all knowing and my puny brain can only take so much. But- it could simply be a matter of obedience. I can get behind that, and not being dependent on coffee to get me through my day is honestly a win in my book. 

So disregarding my complete disobedience on this particular day and this particular venture, I drank the long coveted and considered cup of coffee I had been crazing for months. 

I hated it. Not surprising. It left the angriest of bitter tastes in my mouth. And no, I didn't get the straight black coffee, I got something with the fixin's to soften the blow. The blow was strong and left the angry taste on my tongue for the whole day. I drank the whole thing- thinking of a story of my bro-in-law being caught in the bathroom when he was younger smoking and his dad saying.. you want to smoke- smoke.... He made himself sick but never had the desire again. 

Here is my new theory on this particular part of the Word of Wisdom during this particular experiment... As I was periodically drinking this angry beverage throughout that day all I can think is that God doesn't want us to drink coffee because it is bitter and leaves a bitterness to the taste and with me. I don't want to start, end or endure my day with a necessary bitter cup. 

There is a pending argument here re: chocolate and the actual cacoa nibs being very bitter but I'm not going to get on that right now. 

Next thought: 

LANGUAGE 

I have gotten in the habit of using particular swears. I generally refrained up until I went to London and something there flipped my switch and ... well.. I curse more when alarmed. (it escalates when driving.) 

I met a LDS girl when I was in Seattle who was super great and I decided we should absolutely be friends. She repeatedly used the F-word in general conversation. I hate this word cause it's a dumb word is almost any connotation. I've never said it, even in my most swear-y moments. 

I made some comment about how we are so much alike- but she just curses more. 

I realized I felt like I couldn't say anything to her about her language because of my own justification of the language I use. 

And I was stunned into a thought of how strange it is that I swear at all. I honestly used to punch people (high school years) in the arm when they swore. I thought it was a dumb way to express yourself.
I guess you could argue that it still is. 

Then it turned into using little swears for dramatic effect. I did go to BYU Idaho after all and a well placed "damn" or "hell" could really put in the verbal punch I wanted for what I was saying. I am also a fan of reaction. I do remember distinctly a roommate constantly coming in and turning on the lights while I was sleeping late at night or early morning. This is one of those moments that a good "what the hell!?" in a fake sleep stupor really got her to stop.
It was such a win. 

Here is something strange I have realized. As I get older and this need to not offend or to simply justify my behavior has caused me to justify bad language in myself or others. 

If a peer who got judgmental if I threw out a minor swear was obviously not accepting me as I am and that amused me. 

Although to emphasize this point I had Tom get on my case once because I told him I didn't like his use of the F-word. He basically called me a judgmental mormon and there are worse things he's working on and language is the least of his concerns. This was so foreign to me because i didn't feel like that judgmental person that I disliked. 

I have realized that in an effort to befriend people and "accept them as they are" means that I have to stifle any possible offense someone is causing me. 

1. I feel hypocritical asking someone OF MY OWN FAITH not to say something when I say other bad words.

- I have long ago stopped requesting friends who are not LDS not to swear around me. What's funny about that is I can think of MAJOR instances where people who swear like sailors refrain or apologize for swearing around me when I never asked them. *clearly my high school method of hitting was unnecessary. :P It's a wonder I had friends.

2. I feel like because I am trying to be a friend to ____ that I can't say it is seriously like a stab in the heart when you use the Lord's name in this fashion because I don't want to drive them away or offend or make them think I am judging them- when we should be roughly on a more similar page on this.

My sister told me once that it was one thing to swear but once you start doing it by accident that it's ingrained in you enough that you aren't in control. I want to be in control. My annoyance with people using these words all the time was always that it lost all sense of meaning. It lacks punch.

I also worry that I am the one that a good friend might be worried about approaching...

I think I also have some friends that swear and it's more of a sign of kinship-- and the people that swear in excess and jumping ahead.
I ended up with a rental car at some point and this guy from Enterprise picked me up and he swore a couple times while we were chatting. My initial thought was- We are not friends, you can't say that stuff.

I also realized as I talked to a few of my non-lds friends lately and they either apologized for swearing or went through great efforts to not swear around me. Not because I asked them to but because that is how they knew me and they were being respectful of me. 

To hear Charlie say "holy heck" and "gosh darn it" with such force was both amusing and appreciated and brought me back to an Amanda that was.... and I feel like I should respect them for their respect of me.

Lots of random thoughts.

None of which make sense and probably contradict each other.

*sigh.