Merry Christmas

I can't express how much I love the Christmas season. The twinkling lights.. The decorations. That feeling in the air. I appreciate that sense of remembering things that are most important in my life. That usually stems down to my faith and my family. These are the core importance of the holidays. And while I carry my faith with me wherever I go, I feel a loss at being away from my family. I have done Christmas away from them before, and I remember thinking that I would be totally fine. Fine being away. Fine being alone, even. I look forward to it! I would exclaim to anyone that asked. And then it hit me. That familiar sense I had last year.. and a few years back in Utah. The sense of intruding on other peoples Christmas and missing that familiarity of my family. My traditions. Seeing the nieces and nephews get amped up about Santa Claus and the tree. And that ridiculous fort we would build on Christmas Eve.

It hit me good yesterday.

What was I thinking when I decided to not come home?

I got completely lost in the missing. And it's just because I am not around them. I have only been gone 4 months. Four. Months. If feels eternally longer.

But- let me tell you... I had the greatest outpouring of love from my friends and family. Cards, letters and gifts. Silly reminders of home and friends. I don't think they will ever know what an impact that was on me. To save me from my own loneliness.

I was in utter devastation last night. I have to confess. I'm better.

Kj and Christine had made me an advent calendar of things to do around December and one was reading the Christmas story in Matthew, Luke, Isaiah, and blurbs in 1 Nephi and Helaman 14. I read it all out loud. I let it pierce my heart and inspire. I was touched by the story.
The angels singing praises, not just because of Christ's birth but because of what He brought. Salvation.
I am grateful.

I just got to talk to my sister, Bekki, for an hour. I talked to Colleen just last week. German called me today and while it was a short conversation, the thought remains the same. I am going to get to talk to Derek, Jared, Mom, Krista, Jules and Marcus tomorrow. I just love these dear people. For they are dear to me.

Merry Christmas. I must sleep. It's nearly midnight. Santa is coming.