If to when to what if

I have this terrible thought... What if I don't actually get into school. Mind I have now officially submitted 4 of my applications and will submit the last two today but!!! What if i did something wrong. What if I am just not what they wanted. What if my stupid habits of 20 year old self has resulted in messing it up for my 29 year old self... 

I'm not sure what I'd do. I've been planning this for over a year.

Plotting

Scheming

My "if I get in" has absolutely turned into "when I go." Now my thoughts turn to... What if I don't get in at all... 

I really need to quit my job. I don't mind it, usually bit it's absolutely not something is want to do forever. I stick around because it's a job and in an uncertain world that security is golden. I have an end date in mind... But that was dependent on school... 

What it comes down to is pride, actually. My pride would crush me if I have to come up w another plan. If I have to admit that those 6 possibilities didnt want me at all.

Crushed... That too I guess... What an awfully wonderful adventure! I want it so bad. 

Yikes: