Random Thoughts for a Sunday

So I've been having some things stewing in my brain for a while, and I'm going to make an attempt to make this coherent enough to be understood. There aren't real connections between the thoughts, hence the random. Always so random... 

1. On writing. There is something I have found while writing, and the fact that it's NaNoWriMo, it seems almost logical that I'd be thinking about this. While I do create the written form of these characters and plots, I feel like I am really there to get their tale in print form. I have been reading some random books as of late, which shall remain nameless- but I have noticed that while I am on this adventure with this character, I get to know them pretty well. I'm in their head, I'm right there with them.. And then BAM! something comes out of left field. 

Now, sometimes this is great for a plot twist. But in this regard it's because the character is doing something out of character with the way they have been written. Does that make sense? It's a blatant moment of the author deciding on an alternative route that the character would not have done for themselves. Whether it be a love interest or a decision to go into that creepy house. If someone were to write me as a character and "I" chose to go whimsically into a creepy house, this would be out of character and the reader would know this, because they've come to find out that I'm a paranoid wacko and would never choose to do it. The author is forcing my hand to tell the story how they want it to end, rather than the natural flow of the story.. 

I write. I like it. I love getting lost in these tales that I see. The flow of the story comes and shoots out into the page, but as a reader, I think there is something incredibly annoying when I can tell that this is an ending the author is forcing. 

2. Personal Revelation; (bam! subject change) It's been interesting when random conversations come out at work about Church/Mormon related things. They're really focused on the coffee and alcohol part of my existence- aka lack thereof. Really-focused. In my head it's no big, but whateves... Any-who... What I find interesting is my choice in the matter. I feel the need to remind them that I am free to choose! I-choose not to drink... I still have a choice in the matter. I don't fear a burning hellfire or some kind of condemnation from my God or even family or friends. In my logical brain, I just don't want it. On the spiritual side, I have made a covenant with God not to. Both these things result in the decisions I have made for my life. 

Which brings me to the personal revelation bit. We have the ability and opportunity to find answers for ourselves. I was reading a talk by Dallin H. Oaks and he made a point that it is constantly repeated to ask, and ye shall receive. Knock and it shall be opened. Right? Maybe you've heard that bit? What a fantastic promise. When I ask in faith, I can receive answers. Big or small. I have a loving Father in Heaven that wants the best for me. Honestly, I have a really easy time picturing this because of MY parents. Especially my mom. 

While I think of this, I feel the need to point out that if someone says something weird in a meeting, over the pulpit or any place, whether it is a bishop or the prophet himself, if it raises a question, makes us turn our heads and go eh?! then it is our duty and opportunity to take that question to the Lord on whether or not it is right- big or small. (umm how cool is that?) We are never asked to follow blindly. That seems contrary to everything I have been taught. 

"Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right." (D&C 9: 7-8) 

3. Forgiveness: 

I remember a talk maybe by John Bytheway.. ? and he said something along the lines of- the opposite of love isn't hate... it's indifference. that hate is still acknowledging that person, there is still emotion involved.. anger, hurt... but indifference is like they no longer exist. (which apparently this has been mentioned by other people than Mr. Bytheway... but... yea...) I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Have you ever had someone completely disregard you? Look past you like your invisible? Turn past you to talk to your companion? I have. It hurts more than any hateful words I have ever received. It eats your insides and stews to consuming. There aren't words to properly describe this. Although I do know there were a few girls a part of the "amanda isbell hate club," when I was at BYU-lite. In that regard it was somewhat amusing. 

It's been on my mind lately because sometimes there is no rectifying the damage. I've honestly tried to make peace and resolve the issues that I caused. I have asked forgiveness, and all I can do at this point is continue on and not return to previous habits. This effort is obviously made on my part, because I have made an error and I attempted to rectify. If they choose to be offended by something I did months-years ago, there isn't anything I can do. But pray.. a lot. My thoughts continuously return to this talk by Elder Bednar (click here). (I love Elder Bednar's ability to be blunt and straight forward, but loving in his statements)

"When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else." 

This is enough random for tonight. I'm tired and I have work tomorrow. 

BTW- this was such an awesome weekend, and I luf Seattle... and I luf parks.. and reading rooms and books and friends and good food! and.... sometimes just being alone in a crowd of strangers.