damn my pride

i am a crazy plotter and schemer.. 

did you know? 

i create a million scenarios just to appease whatever possibly situation i might get into. 

things don't always work out exactly as i see them. 

truthfully, they rarely do, but i find comfort in the small wins 

and move on from there.. 

as long as i have thought of it..

(and i usually do)

all my plotting and scheming has lead me astray because i have reached points that i have never considered. 

never. 

and because of this.. 

because of this mixup in the plans/alignment of the stars i have started doubting myself.. 

it's turned into a 

WHY IN THE HELL AM I HERE!?!?!?!

why have i turned into this current pit of woe? 

i've been attempting to commute from island -> mainland for a temp job that is right now only 4 hours a day..

is it worth it? i'm not sure.. 

the problem IS 

me trying to save some money by NOT driving back and forth from the island

(driving onto the ferry really adds up $$)

the problem IS

if i lived off island, i would be able to get to my job in 10-20 minutes tops and not have to: 

take bus to ferry

wait for ferry

wait on ferry

wait for bus on other side of ferry

bus

wait for bus

bus

walk to car

(this is what i did today) 

ah, i'm glad you brought that up.. because they don't actually WANT people parking at the ferry.. at least not overnight. all is find and good until 230-430 in the morning. 

so i found a place in everett to park my car.. but it also means it takes forever to get there.. 

the problem IS

my pride.

i've got aunt patty/ileah down in seattle..

i've got ivy/rosa in everett/lake stevens

i've made friends from church

but for some reason, and this is VERY new to me 

(new within the last few 6 months) 

i hate asking for help. 

i hate asking for favors. 

i hate being an inconvenience. 

(that one isn't new) 

i was thinking about it today.. i could go back to the island and just pay to go back and forth 

($15 round trip which you must consider would be daily) 

or 

i could ask one of the friends i made to see if i could crash on their couch/floor/corner for the evening..

my brain goes to: 

i'd rather sleep in my car. 

(but see, that's illogical.. because where would i park my car to do so and it's starting to get really cold.) 

yea.. that's where my logic takes me. 

yea i've got a problem...

i need to regain some footing and take a breath.