Forgiveness is hard. Harder than I imagine it to be. There are certain things that I have been able to ignore and get past, and then there are those distinct others that really infuriate and tear at me. I guess I should preface this with the fact that I was faced with this earlier this week due to some moronic remarks made. Whoever came up with that stupid sticks and stones chant made that up to fool themselves. At these moments I have a tendency to fool myself in believing that remaining in such a state for a time is okay. To kind of.. move past it. So I egg it on with particular tunes. But moving past gets particularly difficult during occasions such as these, especially when Empathy Girl gets involved.. it's a blessing and a curse, I swear. I guess I should explain Empathy Girl some day.. Today is not that day.

In a moment of distraction and actually cooling my jets.. A thought came- I will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. Blast and double blast! The thought came, and I knew it was true. The problem is that the offensive words were given for this particular reaction, I'm sure. I've said time and time again that reaction is everything. But the words spoken by this individual, to me, just proved the asinine and manipulative tendencies shown time and time again. That is neither here nor there. What and who doesn't matter at this point. What's important is the now and how to deal.

So what do I do? Turn to my scriptures, of course! Partially to actually find the reference that had been quoted in my mind.. (Doctrine and Covenants 63:10-11) But here's some other's that I found particularly helpful. Bear with me..

Matthew 18:21-22: How many times are we to forgive? 70x7. Obviously not the ACTUAL number.. and in my mind because if you really have a check list running of an individual that has wronged you 490 times, you've obviously got too much time on your hands, you're not actually forgiving them AND you're totally missing the point.. as seen in:

Luke 17:3-4: "If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him: and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him." I appreciate this one in particular. Especially since I make my own dastardly mistakes and want the same consideration.

Mosiah 26:31: gist is- forgive or be condemned. We had a great lesson on Sunday about our reasons why we obey laws/commandments, and so on. Love of God, fear of God, repercussions, humility, etc. Now, I don't think that at the end of the day I should forgive someone based only on the prize I might receive or potential burning. It's not particularly my way to go. But mostly because I am aware that I don't know all that I presume to know, and my judgments are based on a limited point of view. But I do have faith in God that He knows the individual and their true intents and can be a more fair judge than I could ever hope to be. Also, it's not any fun to be angry all the time. It's hard, it's draining.. and it sucks out my joy in existence. I know the feeling and it's not a place I want to be again.

And can I also say, now thinking about it, that my petty frustrations, because really they are petty, are nothing to my Savior who was betrayed, beaten and crucified and still asked forgiveness from His Father for those that did that to Him? (Luke 23:34) Holy smokes, I am audacious and prideful indeed.

There's also a really great talk by Elder Bednar from General Conferences past about being offended.. (check it out) It's not hurting anyone if I am offended by something. They have no idea! It's me just choosing to take offense over something stupid or a misunderstanding. I could let it roll off me. I have a great example of that. It's a journey and I just need to get my mind wrapped around the concept.

As I read these, I realized that, yes I need to forgive, repeatedly so it seems. More importantly I need that same forgiveness for being so rash in my anger. It's still hard. Obviously I've got a ways to go, and thinking of the faux pas today wasn't as painful as yesterday.. and so on. I'm not sure exactly what about this time here has gotten me so thoughtful and feel the need to write about it, but I feel the need again and again. Actually.. I think it's always been there, I am just giving myself the opportunity to write.

But hope exists..

2 Nephi 4: 26-30: (And I'm quoting my favorite bits..)

"why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow... Why am I angry because of mine enemy? Awake, my soul! No longer drooped in sin. Rejoice, O my heart and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. Do not anger again because of mine enemies... Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say; O Lord, I will praise thee forever."

I think this is my biggest flaw. My most acute weakness. No, it doesn't happen all the time, thank goodness. This is me at my darkest. And I'm appreciating the light at the end of the tunnel.

hope returns again on calming seas..